Thoughts from class...

A question from class that has me.......thinking :)

Why do you think the Spiritual Disciplines are seen by many people as “optional add-ons for super Christians”?
I’m going to risk sounding heretical here.
The disciplines are, to a large degree, excluded from the Gospel we preach. We live in a culture where comfort is the ultimate commodity. Marketing efforts on the part of corporations (and, dare I say, churches) have blossomed. We hear that we are sinners, Jesus loves us and died for us, and that this death mysteriously makes it possible for us to shimmy into heaven when we die. We may even hear that being on God’s side will assure us material provision, comfort…even luxury. Some of this is good and true, but rarely have I heard the Gospel presented as an invitation to an ongoing journey, commitment, and struggle – “For your sake we are being killed all day long” (Rom. 8:36) is not a popular verse in evangelistic efforts. I have to wonder how much of the gospel we hear proclaimed today is merely the illegitimate child of our desire for fulfillment and the marketing schemes of twist doctors and image consultants.
We want people to buy into Christianity, so we do what can to make it appealing. Play up the good stuff, exaggerate a little, and play down or completely ignore the “unpleasantries.” After people are in, they may hear about courses or special schools for “discipleship” that require major time and commitment, but rarely (in my experience) of discipleship as the Way of living in the midst of our lives. So the assumption is easy to make: Discipleship is an extreme sort of lifestyle for an extreme sort of person and the rest of us are simply “not ‘built’ to be spiritual giants” (Reading Room article).

Ouch

Found this on a blog I just started following - Becoming Like Jesus. Touching on some major realities....





"Church is not a place for questions....it's a place for answers"? God grant us grace to turn the world upside down.

Truth?

Pilate asked him, "So you are a king?"
Jesus answered, "You say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
Pilate asked him, "What is truth?"
John 18:37-38


What is truth? Here's (oh, you'll never guess who I'm gonna quote) Nouwen on the matter:

"Jesus sends us the Spirit so that we may be led to the full truth of the divine life. Truth does not mean an idea, concept or doctrine, but the true relationship. To be led into the truth is to be led into the same relationship that Jesus has with the Father; it is to enter into a divine betrothal." (Making All Things New 54)

Gives "The truth will set you free" all new meaning, eh?

pondering love

"Let them ponder the love of the Lord..."
(A phrase from Benedictine Daily Prayer that grabbed at me this morning)

Richard Rohr or someone I read recently (been doing my share of reading, you know) said that the grace-filled life, this way of spiritual formation, must be grounded in an experience and awareness of God's unfathomable love.
To ponder this love...would, I think, catapult us into a fuller experience of it - where we are more aware and attentive to His love throughout the day.

Ponder the love of the Lord. Ponder. I love that word!

The love of the Lord - where do I see evidence of it? I could look at various material and circumstantial provisions... perhaps He does show His love for us in this way. But it's got to go far beyond this, or we'd have to say He doesn't much love the child soldiers of Africa or the starving masses in Haiti. Perhaps His love is more evident in the many gifts we overlook. The momentary treasures (He is, afterall, found in the Present Moment) that we take for granted (this may sound romanticized, but bear with me)... the feel of the wind on our cheeks, the warmth of the sun on our backs...the gifts of sight and hearing, color and sound. Breath. Oh, what about this idea that He created our bodies to be as dependent on breath as our souls are dependent on Him? Or the knowledge that His longing for full relationship with me is deeper and more cutting than our most severe pangs of homesickness or any other tension we are forced to embrace.

Here….Nouwen knocks ‘em dead every time:
“This inexhaustible love between the Father and the Son includes and yet transcends all forms of love known to us. It includes the love of a father and mother, a brother and sister, a husband and wife, a teacher and friend. Bit it also goes far beyond the many limited and limiting human experiences of love we know. It is a caring yet demanding love. It is a supportive yet severe love. It is a gentle yet strong love. It is a love that gives life yet accepts death. In this divine love Jesus was sent into the world, to this divine love Jesus offered himself on the cross. This all-embracing love, which epitomizes the relationship between the Father and the Son, is a divine Person, coequal with the Father and the Son. It has a personal name. It is called the Holy Spirit.” (Making All Things New 48-49)

Questions in my journal that I plan to follow up on:
-Where do I see evidence of His love throughout the day – in every moment and place?
-If I were to find or create a picture that represents His love (as best I can understand it), what would it be like? What would it in/exclude? What objects, colors, shapes, textures?

Water....to wine!

In John 2 - the story of Jesus at the wedding in Cana, when he turns water into wine…really good wine. I read it the other day in my Renovare Spiritual Formation Bible, and the footnote really opened things up. Jesus took a rote Jewish purification rite and transformed it into “Communion wine.” He confiscated rigid, perfectionist legalism and replaced it with free, gracious relationship.

The disciplines of the Christian life are not ends in themselves – to be completed just-so and measured by the standard of others’ experience. There is an element of objectivity that is necessary and helpful, but the disciplines are a means to an end – the way we travel in learning the Jesus Way, stepping into a fuller, brighter, more colorful life with God. Subjective relationship…the wine of spontaneous interaction between lovers is what should infuse every aspect of our participation in life – even (especially?) in “religious” activities, where life giving ritual can easily become dead and legalistic attempts at manipulation.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)… “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and learn to live freely and lightly.”
Rigid structure and standards replaced with Communion wine.
This is the same sort of thing Phoebe Palmer discovered in her journey. She struggled so much with comparing her walk with others’ experiences…she hadn’t lived it the same way others talked about it and she felt she was falling short. Freedom came when she left “religion” and entered “relationship":
"Palmer had constantly gotten in her own way by gauging her progress against an imagined standard of what she was supposed to feel. If religion is experience, she had reasoned, then the test must be the subjective content of that experience. And the standard she employed was based upon the testimonies of others and not upon her own experiences. Finally she learned to trust to faith, which she defined in terms of her understanding of biblical promises. Once she stopped cross-examining her feelings and accepted the possibility that Holiness would come as the Lord dictated and not as she hypothesized, the dam burst." (More about Phoebe Palmer)

“The Christ-in-me identity is not bound to a generic one-size-fits-all program for union with God. The Holy Spirit knows the spiritual practices, relationships, and experiences that best suit our unique communion with God” (Spiritual Disciplines Handbook 19).

Lessons learned in raquetball...so far.

Ok, so....my brother talked me into taking a raquetball class at the athletic club...haha. Said no at first, but he said he'd pay for it - so what was there to argue with except my own pride? I've never been much of an athlete - too slow on my feet, and my eyes don't get along well with my hands - so I went into it rather....hesitantly. The first class was Tuesday. And again today. It's a challenge, and normally I'd have backed off or not even tried at all. But there's a smidgen of newfound courage in me these days, and I'm actually having fun!
After these first two classes - and with my new MSFL class ("Disciplines of the Spirit"), there are a few things worth noting....

1 - I'm not expected to play like a pro! I'm a beginner...and that's okay. My trainer does not expect immediate greatness -but a good effort and lots of fun. God's the same way, I think. He knows what I am....he knows what I am currently capable of. He also knows what I have the potential to become.
2 - Change comes incrementally. As I practice serving, my trainer helps me tweak the little things I'm doing that prevent me from really doing it well. As I practice receiving, he shows me how to adjust the way I stand, how I hold the racquet. This is similar to what happens when we engage in spiritual disciplines - little (sometimes big!) tweakings. These add up....to major change and total restructuring of how we "play the game."
3 - This desired change in how I play racquetball comes as I spend time with my trainer and with the other students in the class. On the first day of class, we were given printouts of the court layout, rules, etc. Our trainer told us very plainly, "Read 'em if you want, but the only way to really learn it is to get out there and play." The same goes for learning the Jesus Way. There's a place for study and structure...but real change comes when we spend time in relationship with God and others traveling the Way.
4 - Little victories are celebrated. I made a shot this morning that really wasn't all that great - but I did make the shot, and our trainer yelled, "Alright! Great shot, Barbara!!!" It wouldn't be helpful for him to scold me or for me to berate myself for the (many) times I flub things - and it would take a lot of the fun away. So too, as we move into life with the disciplines, small victories are celebrated. Self-condemnation is harmful to the process and sucks the joy completely out of the Journey.
5 - I don't return serves very well....and noticed that often I don't really expect to hit the ball! I figure I'm that bad! :) But because I'm not really thinking I'll hit it, when I do...my grip on the racquet is bad and thus the return is bad. Times that I expect and really intend to hit the ball...the return (sometimes - lol) kicks butt! As we engage in spiritual disciplines, do we really expect change? Do we really believe God will work in us to make the necessary changes?
6 - (there are more points in this than I thought there'd be!) My skills do not improve by comparing myself to others in the class. Our trainer's been playing for years - he's GOOD. My brother's already taken the class before - so he's pretty good. Two other guys in the class are, like, natural athletic types (grrr...). Comparing my skills to theirs gets discouraging pretty quickly! And the same is true of our Journey with God. Others' experiences of the disciplines, God's Precence, etc., are not the standard. There is no standard. There is dynamic, unique relationship (I'll have to follow up on this with another post.....).

Freely, lightly, full of joy......taking baby steps!

Ok....my friend is just too sweet.

A friend on Facebook posted a note:

"Leave your name in my note comments.Once you do that, this is what I'll do ... (I will respond to you here on my notes page)
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
7. If you play, you MUST post this on your blog.
I'll tag you when I've written my responses."

And I will now do my part. :) Her response....

"1. Your laugh is so infectious. When I hear you laugh I can't help but laugh too!
2. This is a toughie...hmm...I think...XD You're gonna kill me. The Laughing Song!!!!
3. AMOEBA!
4. When Zannie took me to puppet practice and you were so tall...then we did the show together with the frogs and I was the fly you ate. :)
5. You remind me so much of a puppy...you're eager and happy and fun to be around.
6. When are we going to have our movie night? XDD Just kidding, just kidding...how and when did you learn how to play guitar so well?"

See what I mean? Too sweet.

reality check

"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."

A familiar prayer to most. I always thought it was kinda morbid. Tonight I found out there's a second, not-so-popular verse:
"Our days begin with trouble here,
Our life is but a span,
And cruel death is always near,
So frail a thing is man."

Ah, sweet dreams, my child. But really....how would we live life differently if we were RAISED with a greater awareness that we are "but a breath"?

Butterflies on stampede in my stomach...

Yeah, ok..... keep breathing, Barb. It really is ok. Right now. Stay in the now. Deeeeeeep breathe.

Our second MSFL class officially opened tonight. Maybe it's just the typical "new class" anxiety, but right now I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed.

Yesterday I read something really great in Benedictine Daily Prayer. From the Psalms....that He knows me through and through. My resting and my rising. Every purpose in my heart. When I walk or lie down.
"Before ever a word is on my tongue you know it, O Lord, through and through. Behind and before you beseige me, your hand ever laid upon me...
O where can I go from your Spirit, or where can I flee from your face?"
Climb the heavens...
Lie in the grave...
Fly through to dawn...
journey to the end of the world....

Even there Your hand would lead me.

Even here your hand is leading me. Even here.

I am more and more certain...assured...that God is conducting the symphony of my life. When that first class started, He brought the theme of "letting go" before me. It's grown stronger and stronger. The same things I'm studying in my friday group are what this second class is kinda based on - the discipline of submission. Which requires letting go. This theme is coming at me from every direction. From my Fenelon readings, too.
"In this life there is no finished symphony..." But there is a symphony...playing continuously. Conducted by the Divine Hand.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. I am Yours, save me. Free me from care for myself. Let my life be motivated more and more fully only by Your unspeakably great love for me...teach me to love You. To let go of everything else...and love only You.

Yeah....what he said.

Mmm...a great meditation on poverty at a favorite blog: The Lord, The Blues, and the Art of Being Smooth

Poverty

Poverty is more than a matter of economics. The roots run deep. It's a lethal force on more than one level. It's more than lack of food. It's more than lack of education. It's more than images of crying faces and hungy bellies on television. Change will require so much more than charity. Systems need to be uprooted, broken down and rebuilt.

I've sponsored kids with Compassion International for a number of years now. Yeah, I send in money. But what Compassion turns around and does with it is truly remarkable. I'm also able to exchange letters and photos with "my" kids...I do little things to let them know they are treasured - that they are absolutely priceless, in my eyes but especially in God's eyes.....and without fail these little ones (Evans, in Kenya; Navya, in India) bless me in ways I can't find words to express. I am reminded of my own selfishness and consumerism, my own pride and hatred........I carry inside myself the seeds of very same weeds that have taken over so much of the world. This is what must change in the system. Hearts. The hearts of presidents and senators, kings and queens, businessmen (and women), teachers, pastors.....you and me. We cannot expect the circumstances imposed on these innocents to change unless we are willing to break out of our own comfort to lay down our lives for them. It's called solidarity. It's called justice. It's called being "God with skin."

Do something. Even something small. If everyone sits back, thows their hands in the air and says, "But I'm just one person!" - nothing will ever change. Shalom....(in the truest, deepest sense of the word).

Desolation?

Honestly, I have no idea what to write.

There's a lot swirling around inside. The last few days have been characterized by what Ignatius might have called desolation (thank you, Chris, for sharing this link - it's been a lifeline). Without digging too much up - I don't knwo how helpful hashing it all out again would be - here are some of my journalings...perhaps it will be helpful to anyone who might read it.

Hopelessness. Extremely complex thought patterns (trying to figure “me” out). Loss of vision. Emotional ups and downs. Absence of a real sense of His presence. Ick. Desolation? One reason desolation comes is “our own negligence of spiritual discipline. ‘We are tepid and slothful.’” Seems strange to admit this after several weeks of the most deep, life-changing, formational “class” I’ve ever taken. But it’s true, I think.
“In this life there is no finished symphony…”
Has the desolation of the last few days been the fruit of neglecting disciplines that would help me remember this fundamental truth? Disciplines of chastity? In other words, have I been careless in the placement of my hopes and affections?

Bear in mind, Rolheiser (The Holy Longing), isn't looking at chastity as purely to do with sexual abstinence. Rather, he sees it as relating to many and varied aspects of life. Patience is key in his description of chastity. Interestingly, it looks like Ignatius saw patience as key in surviving desolation...

“To be chaste is to experience people, things, places, entertainment, the phases of our lives, and sex in a way that does not violate them or ourselves. To be chaste is to experience things reverently, in such a way that the experience leaves both them and ourselves more, not less, integrated…
…we are chaste when we do not let impatience, irreverence, or selfishness ruin what is a gift by somehow violating it. Conversely, we lack chastity when we cross boundaries prematurely or irreverently, when we violate anything and somehow reduce what it is. Chastity is respect, reverence, and patience. Its fruits are integration, gratitude and joy. Lack of chastity is impatience, irreverence, and violation. Its fruits are disintegration of soul, bitterness, and cynicism” (The Holy Longing 202).
I’m really thinking this is at the root of the complexity of my thought life, the fear of not changing….being driven by desires for my future, becoming the “right” sort of person by the time such-and-such happens. Discontent now to become what I should be by then, if that makes any sense. But…then there’s the nagging question: If I am so discontent now, will it be any different when that time (whatever it may be) comes?

As I'm continuing the readings for class this week, I'm beginning to see that this time of desolation has carried purpose. I have a feeling there will be more blog posts on this topic....

Blank slate

We must never presume that we see. We must always be ready to see anew. But it's so hard to go back, to be vulnerable, and to say to your soul, "I don't know anything."
Try to say that: "I don't know anything."
Maybe you could think of yourself as an erased blackboard, ready to be written on. For by and large, what blocks spiritual teaching is the assumption that we already know, or that we don't need to know.
We have to pray for the grace of beginner's mind. We need to say with the blind man, "I want to see." ~Richard Rohr

Got this in an email from CAC recently. I've had trouble really absorbing so much of what we're reading and discussing in class. True, it's a lot of information to hold - and the focus isn't really on amassing knowledge. But, I think there's a tendency to kinda "Yeah, yeah"-read a lot. having been raised in church (where, unfortunately, know-it-all attitudes abound), I can read on two different levels. The easiest is to brush over the words...looking at the text as familiar stuff I've heard before. Sometimes I have to very intentionally slow my reading pace and keep in mind - "No, this is fresh and new. God's here reading with me, just waiting to renew my vision for formation, for church, for life."
Reading with the grace of a beginner's mind.

my other blog

It's still new, but I just needed a place to store the TONS of amazing words coming at me though class readings and various emails. Be prepared for a lot of Nouwen. :)

Words 2 Live By

Paschal Mystery

Darkness...Suffering...Pain...Death...

...is a living, growing thing,
to be loved and handled
with diligence and grace.

...easily crushed by control,
smashed by resistence,
withered by defensiveness,
shattered by hurry.

...a gift to be loved,
nurtured,
entrusted to the earth
of God's full knowledge and love
to grow in ways
we cannot manipulate
or neatly manage.

ONLY the Maker knows
how to unlock the treasure
hidden within a seed.
Only One is the power
that explodes
sprout,
root,
leaf,
and blossom...
the form of new,
creative,
redemptive Life.


Life lived in the reality of the Paschal Mystery is a cross-shaped life. A life deeply rooted and upward reaching, extended out with open arms in love for others. A creative, redemptive tension compelling me to ascend the exhilarating heights, to explore the darkest depths of life. Root creeping deeper, branches reaching higher.

Pain will come.

Death is certain.

And new life is born.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Lead me to the Cross.



"The paschal mystery is the mystery of how we, after undergoing some kind of death, receive new life and new spirit....It begins with suffering and death, moves on to the reception of new life, spends some time grieving for the old and adjusting to the new, and finally, only after the old life has been truly let go of, is new spirit given for the life we are already living....The paschal mystery is the secret to life. Ultimately our happiness depends upon properly undergoing it" (The Holy Longing 146-48).

This is very, very deep....and very, very wide. I need to soak in all of this for a while.

Broken record

Been thinking more about the whole "letting go" thing (yeah, still). Sounds like a broken record - but a good one.

Got home from work and played around some with Bunter (my brother's English bulldog puppy) in the hallway. He's got this toy...he loves it. It's (was) a green plastic ball. Bunter lost no time in crushing it into a flat, chewed, crumpled thing. Anyway. Home from work. Hallway. We play this game - he's standing midway through the hall with Green Thing in his mouth (can't really get his teeth into it 'cause it's hard plastic). I'm at the open end of the hall.....creeping toward him, saying slowly, "I...gonna...gets...it....!" (yeah, it has to be those words) - and he freaks out and goes running as fast and far away from me as he can (to other side of the hall...oops, dead end). Hides his face in the corner and waits for me to get close enough to slip around me and go to the other end of the hall. He must be thinking, "Yeah the heck you're gonna gets it! Victory!!!" And the game begins again. If at any point in the game I decide to grab a different toy out of his basket, watch out!

I wonder if we, like Bunter, have our little toys and want to keep them safe in the confines of our slobbering jowls. The toys really aren't worth a whole lot....but they're ours. And we'll do whatever we have to do to keep them like that.

Thinking back on some discussion in class....we're wondering why? Why are we soooo intrigued with this idea of running the cosmos? Could it be simply that we, like Adam and Eve, have this screwball impulse to play God? It seems soooooo stupid to try managing all these little things of our lives, somehow imagining that we can do it better than He can. It makes so much sense to hand it over to someone big enough to take care of it all. So why? Why do we hang on to our control of things? Maybe Fenelon's words are helpful here...

Homesick at home.

I'm feeling homesick. Homesick at home. Really. It's loads of fun. What do you do with that? It's so weird...
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not mean the universe is a fraud…earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing" ~CS Lewis
Maybe that's what it is. I don't know how else to explain it. Feels like crap. Maybe I just need to spend a little me n' God time. I guess it has been a bit of a fragmented day.