waking up

Something in me has been "sleepy" for so long. Inattentive. Bland. But now....I feel like I'm slowly coming awake.
The reading I've been doing for class has certainly been part of it. But I am moved to tears as I think about the community developing in our online classroom. There is such openness... received with such love. As I read others' thoughts on the dicussion boards, I begin to see that so many things I have struggled with are not completely unique to me. I'm not alone in my weaknesses, my desires. Some of the posts have even opened my eyes to struggles/desires in me...that I didn't realize I had! What grace. Oh God, we are broken. Make us worthy vessels for your Spirit. Teach us to receive your grace and turn again to pour it out for each other.

If I had a year to live...

Dr. Mojo (my professor) asked this question yesterday. It's been on my mind a lot.

If I had a year to live, I would...
-Stop comparing myself to others and instead ask How is God speaking to me through this person?...And worry much less about what people think of me...and more about other people and their needs.
-Talk less, listen more...attentively.
-Make (particularly family) relationships right before God.
-Spend a lot more time with God and with others - that whole being/doing thing again!
-Publish a kids' story that's been sitting on my desk for a couple years.
-Take dance lessons.
-Cancel my health insurance :)

It's hard to really put yourself in this frame of mind, you know? It shouldn't be, though...since life really is a fragile thing and every breath a gift. It should be near the surface of our awareness continually. Teach us, dear Lord, to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

SAU - Week Two?!

Starting my third week already. Week 1 was orientation...getting used to the interface, where to find things, etc. I've taken so many online classes before that it's coming easily. And my job situation is such that I can check the discussion boards before the new posts pile up on me. I feel kinda guilty, really....so many in the class have been struggling with the technology aspect of it and with having so many new posts to read - feeling very overwhelmed. I don't know how to help.

This week's reading was in Invitation to a Journey, Streams of Living Water, and Out of Solitude. Rich, rich, rich! I wish I'd kept better notes. Oh, well. I'll begin again on the week three readings.
The assignment this week is to write, submit, and discuss our Personal/Spiritual Profile and Narrative. A spiritual autobiography of sorts. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it...there was a lot of digging around, and some of it hurt. Some things I really, really, really, really didn't want to post in front of the whole class, but that couldn't be ignored as a major spiritual turning point in my life. In the interest of authenticity and brokenness, I "let it all hang out."

Starting the reading for next week now...in The Holy Longing and Invitation to a Journey. We'll be defining "spiritual formation".....and it only gets better!!

Thank you, Abba, for leading me to this path. Strengthen my friends and me by your grace to enter Your Community...to breathe in the readings and let them infuse our daily living.

First "official" day of class at SAU...

John O'Donohue's blessing "For a New Beginning" - A near-perfect expression of my heart...and a prayer for all beginning this journey together:


In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

The countdown...

Nine weeks.

It's actually coming up much more quickly than I thought it would.

My first class at SAU starts on August 25. This is the master's program of my dreams! Yet there's this nagging apprehension. It won't go away. Afraid I won't measure up. That I'll be in way over my head. And maybe I will. But that's when we grow, right?

But there's a world of difference between fear and dread. I'm not dreading this...not at all. I really feel that this is something God is leading. But fear. That's another story. But for me, change always brings a rash of butterflies in the stomach and self-doubt.

This too shall pass.

The key is to remember that He's my shepherd. Regardless of any accomplishment or failure, excited anticipation or fear. I lack nothing.

Onward!!!!!

I just received an email from Spring Arbor University.....like, just received it. I've been accepted for the online graduate program in Spiritual Formation and Leadership! I start on August 25. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this letter. Now I'm wondering, Oh, my God...am I really ready for this??? But if He's brought me to it, He will bring me through it. He is my hiding place.

By the way, thanks Abba. By Your grace, I will glorify you in this.

Taking a break from working on the autobiographical essay for my SAU application. What a process! I have difficulty articulating things clearly--I know what I want to say, but often have difficulty putting it into words. And there's this nagging fear...that it/I won't measure up. I follow the blogs of some of the students currently in the MSFL program...their writing is so clear and--well, good! I guess that as my application packet is coming together, I'm realizing that there is the possibility that I won't be accepted. That scares me. This is something I want to do so badly, something that would benefit myself and others so much.

Thinking about this yesterday, I asked myself, "What would you do if Spring Arbor didn't accept you? Where would you go from there?"
The answer: I'd keep on at the reading, searching, discovering. I'd relax and rest in the hand of His care. There is nothing I truly need that He will not provide.

The Happenin'

I've just been working on my planner--looking at the major start/stop dates through the year. Wow. School's just around the corner! The next few weeks are going to be interesting. My HTML class starts this monday, my last ENMU class next Monday, and the Dreamweaver class on the Monday after that! The last day of class will be May 9 and GRADUATION on May 10!! I'm working on my admission requirements for SAU and if all goes as I hope, I'll be starting on the MSFL program in August.

Tomorrow is my last day working at the theater...which is a little weird. I'll just be working one job (at the Ruidoso Regional Council for the Arts) and will actually have Saturdays off for the first time in almost two years. I certainly have my reservations about leaving--mostly because I so enjoy working with my brother, but also because I keep thinking that I could have done better at it. But it's time to move on. I can't keep both jobs and give what both employers expect and keep up with my classes and do church and...you get the idea. I'm just praying that God would really bless this time of transition. It doesn't have to be easy or painless, just formational. It's kind of like getting out of a boat...to walk on water. I'm not sure what to expect as I leave the theater and start to develop my own business. But if He really is my Shepherd..."it's all (ultimately) good." Your prayers mean a lot.