Lessons learned in raquetball...so far.

Ok, so....my brother talked me into taking a raquetball class at the athletic club...haha. Said no at first, but he said he'd pay for it - so what was there to argue with except my own pride? I've never been much of an athlete - too slow on my feet, and my eyes don't get along well with my hands - so I went into it rather....hesitantly. The first class was Tuesday. And again today. It's a challenge, and normally I'd have backed off or not even tried at all. But there's a smidgen of newfound courage in me these days, and I'm actually having fun!
After these first two classes - and with my new MSFL class ("Disciplines of the Spirit"), there are a few things worth noting....

1 - I'm not expected to play like a pro! I'm a beginner...and that's okay. My trainer does not expect immediate greatness -but a good effort and lots of fun. God's the same way, I think. He knows what I am....he knows what I am currently capable of. He also knows what I have the potential to become.
2 - Change comes incrementally. As I practice serving, my trainer helps me tweak the little things I'm doing that prevent me from really doing it well. As I practice receiving, he shows me how to adjust the way I stand, how I hold the racquet. This is similar to what happens when we engage in spiritual disciplines - little (sometimes big!) tweakings. These add up....to major change and total restructuring of how we "play the game."
3 - This desired change in how I play racquetball comes as I spend time with my trainer and with the other students in the class. On the first day of class, we were given printouts of the court layout, rules, etc. Our trainer told us very plainly, "Read 'em if you want, but the only way to really learn it is to get out there and play." The same goes for learning the Jesus Way. There's a place for study and structure...but real change comes when we spend time in relationship with God and others traveling the Way.
4 - Little victories are celebrated. I made a shot this morning that really wasn't all that great - but I did make the shot, and our trainer yelled, "Alright! Great shot, Barbara!!!" It wouldn't be helpful for him to scold me or for me to berate myself for the (many) times I flub things - and it would take a lot of the fun away. So too, as we move into life with the disciplines, small victories are celebrated. Self-condemnation is harmful to the process and sucks the joy completely out of the Journey.
5 - I don't return serves very well....and noticed that often I don't really expect to hit the ball! I figure I'm that bad! :) But because I'm not really thinking I'll hit it, when I do...my grip on the racquet is bad and thus the return is bad. Times that I expect and really intend to hit the ball...the return (sometimes - lol) kicks butt! As we engage in spiritual disciplines, do we really expect change? Do we really believe God will work in us to make the necessary changes?
6 - (there are more points in this than I thought there'd be!) My skills do not improve by comparing myself to others in the class. Our trainer's been playing for years - he's GOOD. My brother's already taken the class before - so he's pretty good. Two other guys in the class are, like, natural athletic types (grrr...). Comparing my skills to theirs gets discouraging pretty quickly! And the same is true of our Journey with God. Others' experiences of the disciplines, God's Precence, etc., are not the standard. There is no standard. There is dynamic, unique relationship (I'll have to follow up on this with another post.....).

Freely, lightly, full of joy......taking baby steps!

Paschal Mystery

Darkness...Suffering...Pain...Death...

...is a living, growing thing,
to be loved and handled
with diligence and grace.

...easily crushed by control,
smashed by resistence,
withered by defensiveness,
shattered by hurry.

...a gift to be loved,
nurtured,
entrusted to the earth
of God's full knowledge and love
to grow in ways
we cannot manipulate
or neatly manage.

ONLY the Maker knows
how to unlock the treasure
hidden within a seed.
Only One is the power
that explodes
sprout,
root,
leaf,
and blossom...
the form of new,
creative,
redemptive Life.


Life lived in the reality of the Paschal Mystery is a cross-shaped life. A life deeply rooted and upward reaching, extended out with open arms in love for others. A creative, redemptive tension compelling me to ascend the exhilarating heights, to explore the darkest depths of life. Root creeping deeper, branches reaching higher.

Pain will come.

Death is certain.

And new life is born.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Lead me to the Cross.



"The paschal mystery is the mystery of how we, after undergoing some kind of death, receive new life and new spirit....It begins with suffering and death, moves on to the reception of new life, spends some time grieving for the old and adjusting to the new, and finally, only after the old life has been truly let go of, is new spirit given for the life we are already living....The paschal mystery is the secret to life. Ultimately our happiness depends upon properly undergoing it" (The Holy Longing 146-48).

This is very, very deep....and very, very wide. I need to soak in all of this for a while.

Broken record

Been thinking more about the whole "letting go" thing (yeah, still). Sounds like a broken record - but a good one.

Got home from work and played around some with Bunter (my brother's English bulldog puppy) in the hallway. He's got this toy...he loves it. It's (was) a green plastic ball. Bunter lost no time in crushing it into a flat, chewed, crumpled thing. Anyway. Home from work. Hallway. We play this game - he's standing midway through the hall with Green Thing in his mouth (can't really get his teeth into it 'cause it's hard plastic). I'm at the open end of the hall.....creeping toward him, saying slowly, "I...gonna...gets...it....!" (yeah, it has to be those words) - and he freaks out and goes running as fast and far away from me as he can (to other side of the hall...oops, dead end). Hides his face in the corner and waits for me to get close enough to slip around me and go to the other end of the hall. He must be thinking, "Yeah the heck you're gonna gets it! Victory!!!" And the game begins again. If at any point in the game I decide to grab a different toy out of his basket, watch out!

I wonder if we, like Bunter, have our little toys and want to keep them safe in the confines of our slobbering jowls. The toys really aren't worth a whole lot....but they're ours. And we'll do whatever we have to do to keep them like that.

Thinking back on some discussion in class....we're wondering why? Why are we soooo intrigued with this idea of running the cosmos? Could it be simply that we, like Adam and Eve, have this screwball impulse to play God? It seems soooooo stupid to try managing all these little things of our lives, somehow imagining that we can do it better than He can. It makes so much sense to hand it over to someone big enough to take care of it all. So why? Why do we hang on to our control of things? Maybe Fenelon's words are helpful here...

impatience

"To become impatient is to want what we do not have, and not to want what we do have. In so doing, the soul is handed over to its passions, and neither reasoning nor faith can hold it back, so trouble is it. Such weakness! Such swerving away from the right path!
As long as we desire the soul-sickness that brings us suffering - to us it is not sickness - why would we make our sickness a reality by ceasing to desire it?
Inner peace exists not in the flesh but in the will. We can hold onto peace in the midst of the most violent suffering, as long as the will remains firm and submissive to God despite its abhorrence of the situation. Peace on this earth consists in accepting the things that are contrary to our desires, not in being exempted from suffering them, nor in being delivered from all temptations."
~Fenelon

Ha! What can I add to that?! I just keep running into this stuff. Letting go, surrender, submission, losing control....ya' think God's talkin' to me?

What is it that makes me think that I'm handling things on my own? People issues, work tasks, pressure to be "creative," family stuff, church problems.......it's all very, very heavy for a person who is waaaaaay too small to shoulder the load.
Letting go has been (and still is) a strong theme over the last few weeks. It makes so much sense, really. And wouldn't it make life a lot more fun? My brother teases me that I have a stunted sense of humor - or sporadic at least. And it's no wonder....afterall, if all the problems in the world are mine to carry, manage, manipulate, and express an opinion about, there wouldn't be much to laugh at.
Sabbath...I have a feeling this is step one. It's something I make half-hearted attempts at, but I heard Rob Bell talk about it some in Velvet Elvis. For one whole day....."produce" nothing, "accomplish" nothing, grasp for nothing but enjoying God, his world, and his love for me? Ohhh...that would be a breath of fresh air! Do I have the guts to actually DO this? I think.....I do.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

(Ok...I just thought I'd note: there is nothing pretty or easy about this prayer. It's a tough call to a radical life....of peace. :)

Ordinary Sacraments

"Sacraments are very specific events in which God touches us through creation and transforms us into living Christs." ~Henri Nouwen

I long for the depth and fruitfulness of life seen in Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others like them. Where ordinary life is consistently lived as a sacrament - channels through which God touches our hearts, speaks into our lives, and does his transforming work. The "daily grind" holds potential for becoming every bit as holy and sacred as the Eucharist. We are, after all, the ongoing incarnation of God in the world.

Ohhhh, gotta get my hands on this. I had found the site a while back, but it was still in progress...Thanks for setting it back in front of me, Christianne!


The Ordinary Radicals - Trailer from Jamie Moffett on Vimeo.

Contemplative prayer is like....

Contemplative prayer beckons me to loosen my strangle-hold on life. It whispers of a freedom, intimacy and joy in life that I have only barely tasted – a life of seeing and knowing God and others for who they are, instead of what I demand them to be. This life is….(gulp) just over the cliff. All I have to do is let go. Let go of managing my schedule, my health, my friendships, my relationship with God. Letting go of the many words and feral thought-life that plague me. Simple, right?

The problem is that this “managed” life is sooooo real to me. Like the cliff. Rock solid and “safe.” I don’t know what’s over the cliff! I only know that it appears to be a very long way down. And what will happen to my tidy packaging of life if I take the leap? Over the cliff can be a frightening place.

But that is where the light shines. And in those moments of solitude and silent prayer…those times when the Jesus Prayer settles so sweetly in my heart and trickles into the air around me…those seconds when typing emails at work becomes a holy sacrament…that is when I know that in letting go, in putting my full weight into the fall, I’ll find a Hand. Simple, silent, and still. It catches me gently and there I am held above the raging waters, finally free to be my true self, to love others as they are, and to live intimately with my Abba.

So my grip loosens…my shoulders relax…and with Luther’s prayer (“I am Yours, save me!”) as my only remaining “defense,” my hands open and I’m falling.

Lord, free me from care for myself.

Mojo Wisdom

Mojo (for those of you wondering who this is, he is hands down the coolest professor I've had in my life) said something in class today....and I just had to share part of it. We're discussing contemplative prayer and lectio divina, a contemplative approach to reading Scripture. Here we go.....

"What is the relationship between head and heart—between information and transformation? For Augustine, conversion was not a matter of the intellect. He believed Christianity was true, he simply couldn’t do it. Peter Kreeft in Christianity for Modern Pagans insists: 'Christianity is not a hypothesis, it is a proposal of marriage.' (That’s my quote of the decade ;o). It is a matter of covenant commitment and submission, in other words, not of some intellectual formulae. 'You are reading?' queries Jerome. 'No. Your betrothed is talking to you, that is Christ, who is united with you.' Lectio is about passion, the burning longing and Eros Rolheiser alerts us to. 'Didn’t our hearts burn within us,' ask the two disciples who met Jesus on the Emmaus road. 'Didn’t they burn within us—when?—when he opened the Word to us, when he led us to the deeper understanding about the Christ.'"

A marriage propsal! My betrothed talking to me! Makes me want to go spend some time with the Scriptures.....

The deconstructive effects of silence/solitude

"When we discover ourselves "hidden with Christ in God," we don't need any kind of self-image at all. I hope this doesn't sound too esoteric, because it isn't; it's what happens in true prayer.
This is what will happen when we expose ourselves to silence and stop exposing ourselves to the judgments of the world; when we stop continuously "picking up" the energy of others; when we stop thinking about what others think of us and what they take us to be. We are who we are in God—no more and no less." ~Richard Rohr

I usually thing of silence as....quiet. There's inner silence, outer silence....there's even a sort of an undertone of silence that can be heard regardless of the noises going on around you. But it's even more than this. Mulholland (Invitation to a Journey) defines silence as "the deep inner reversal of that grasping, controlling mode of being that so characterizes life in our culture...relinquishing to God our control of our relationship with God"(pp 136-137). Nouwen (Way of the Heart) says that silence keeps us from becoming entangled in the world, from extinguishing the inner fire of God's Spirit, and from slipping into the wasteful use of words that is so prevalent in our world.

Solitude has a more outward quality to it. Going to a place apart...alone. But it is even more than this. Both Mulholland and Nouwen look at solitude as an unmasking of sorts. The (sometimes painful) tearing away of the many faces, fluffs and scaffolds wrenched, hammered, and soaked into us by the surrounding culture/society. It is the "furnace of transformation," where all that is not truly me is incinerated, completely demolished. Gee. Sounds like fun.

Silence, Nouwen says, is solitude in action - solitude taken out of a place apart and carried into the daily grind. Silence "completes and intensifies" solitude. So they are inseparably linked. And they work together at the task of creative demolition. What a beautiful mess.

Spiritual Formation.....one definition.

Spiritual Formation is the ongoing incarnation of Jesus though a graceful emerging of His character and life in, through and around us.

In response to God’s love for us, with Christ as the example, we live to conform to the will of God. But, it is not by our own will or strength, but by the Spirit of God working in us, daily working out our Salvation. Thus, we grow into the relationship God has called us to, with Him, and with the community before, around, and ahead of us. Amongst these relationships we live out God’s call to serve, understanding that service is an outpouring of the work God is doing in us. This way of life, is one that brings life. God is offering it, it our responsibility to choose it.

There are 7 components of this formation:

1. Transformation – a journey of being transformed into the image of Jesus, with humility, gratitude, obedience and trustworthiness ("until Christ is formed in you." Gal 4:19b) (Genesis 1:26 “. . . Let us make man in our image. . .”)

2. Conformation – conforming to the will of God in obedience; living an incarnate life, seeking a different path, a complete change ("For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son ... " Romans 8:29) ("If you love me, you will obey what I command." Jn 14:15) (Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world . . .)

3. By the Spirit –with the grace-filled Spirit of God working in us ("continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Phil 2:12-13)

4. Relationship - growing into a relationship with God, with our neighbors, and with a church community. Because “we are Christ’s body”, and we are the “skin” of God here on earth, this community is a central and essential aspect of faith and formation. ("Love the Lord your God with all your heart. . . Love your neighbor as yourself" Mark 12:30&31) ( … "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21) ( … "Let us consider how we may spur one another on. . . let us encourage one another" Heb 10:24&25)

5. For the sake of others - becoming in the image of One who gave Himself completely, absolutely and unconditionally for others ("love your neighbor as yourself" Mark 12:31 … "My command is this: love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one. . ." John 15:12&13) One responsibility as we grow is to "radiate the compassion and love of God... in our actions" (HL, 102). "The last thing that Jesus asked of us before he ascended, was that we go to all peoples and nations and preach his presence" (HL, 102).

6. Engaged – a process in which we much be involved, active, and receptive to God’s Word, leading, and will (". . continue to work out your salvation. . . it is God who works in you. . . Phil 2:12b & 13 … ".) (. . let us throw off everything that hinders. . . and let us run with perseverance. . . Heb. 12:1b) ( … "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised" Heb 10:36) Part of this engagement component is a disciplined life – using and developing spiritual disciplines for growth; releasing ourselves in a consistent manner to God for His transforming work in our lives ("Take my yoke upon you, my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matt 11:29 & 30) ( . . ."live a life worthy of the calling you have received" Eph 4:1) (James 1: 2 - 4 "Consider it pure joy . . . so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything")

7. Wholistic: "channeling our energies/longings – the fire inside - to bring integration and wholeness; saying 'yes' to God at each point of unlikeness; nurturing preference and shadow sides; coming out of our brokenness into wholeness in Christ" ("Forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead, I press on . . ." Phil 3:13b & 14) (". . . become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" Eph 4:13b)

(This is the definition my team came up with this week.....Go BLUE!)

"Everything we do spiritually is to help wake us from slumbering forgetfulness."
~MoJo

...treasure from an Irish poet.

On its way through the innocent night,

The moth is ambushed by the light,

Becomes glued to a window

Where a candle burns; its whole self,

Its dreams of flight and all desire

Trapped in one glazed gaze;

Now nothing else can satisfy

But the deadly beauty of flame.

When you lose the feel

For all other belonging

And what is truly near

Becomes distant and ghostly,

And you are visited

And claimed by a simplicity

Sinister in its singularity,

No longer yourself, your mind

And will owned and steered

From elsewhere now,

You would sacrifice anything

To dance once more to the haunted

Music with your fatal beloved

Who owns the eyes of your heart.

These words of blessing cannot

Reach, even as echoes,

To the shore of where you are,

Yet may they work without you

To soften some slight line through

To the white cave where

Your soul is captive.

May some glimmer

Of outside light reach your eyes

To help you recognize how

You have fallen for a vampire.

May you crash hard and soon

Onto real ground again

Where this fundamentalist

Shell might start to crack

For you to hear

Again your own echo.

That your lost lonesome heart

Might learn to cry out

For the true intimacy

Of love that waits

To take you home

To where you are known

And seen and where

Your life is treasured

Beyond every frontier

Of despair you have crossed.

(The blessing: John O'Donohue's "For an Addict" ~ The image: my creation, symbolic of so many thoughts swirling in my mind this week)

waking up

Something in me has been "sleepy" for so long. Inattentive. Bland. But now....I feel like I'm slowly coming awake.
The reading I've been doing for class has certainly been part of it. But I am moved to tears as I think about the community developing in our online classroom. There is such openness... received with such love. As I read others' thoughts on the dicussion boards, I begin to see that so many things I have struggled with are not completely unique to me. I'm not alone in my weaknesses, my desires. Some of the posts have even opened my eyes to struggles/desires in me...that I didn't realize I had! What grace. Oh God, we are broken. Make us worthy vessels for your Spirit. Teach us to receive your grace and turn again to pour it out for each other.

Standing By

In Rembrandt’s painting of the prodigal, the character(s) I identify with may vary from day to day, moment to moment, depending on who I am with, what I am doing, my hormonal balance, the weather conditions, and just about anything else! Sometimes I feel the brokenness of the prodigal; sometimes the anger and judgment of the brother; and every once in a while I offer someone the love of the Father. Overall, though, I am generally the man in the very back. Hidden. Awkward. Not quite fitting in anywhere. Looking on the scene with longing. Learning by others’ actions the value of being “defective,” wrecked, broken.

Who are you?

Passages

Death is a passage to new life. That sounds very beautiful, but few of us desire to make this passage. It might be helpful to realise that our final passage is preceded by many earlier passages. When we are born we make a passage from life in the womb to life in the family. When we go to school we make a passage from life in the family to life in the larger community. When we get married we make a passage from a life with many options to a life committed to one person. When we retire we make a passage from a life of clearly defined work to a life asking for new creativity and wisdom. Each of these passages is a death leading to new life. When we live these passages well, we are becoming more prepared for our final passage.
~Daily Meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society

What passage(s) am I making at this point in my life? School is the biggie for me right now...but are there less obvious passages-more easily overlooked? The gradual increase in my involvement on the job; stepping further (also very gradually) into the unfamiliar territory of adulthood; even small changes in attitude toward present circumstances and the people around me.
Am I living these passages well - with attention to the Present Moment, awareness of my utter helplessness and need of God, and great hopes for what is to come?
How will I allow these passages to shape me?
In what ways can I be with others as these changes take place?

Christ's words to me...

(Put your name in place of mine...I'm pretty sure He'd like to say this to you as well.)


Barbara, I love you. Not "if" or "but." I love you more fully, more deeply than you will ever imagine. Being with you constantly and teaching you, helping you to be increasingly sensitive to those inner leanings - the whisperings of Holy Spirit - brings such joy to my heart. I'm not mad at you or even wishing you could be other than what you are. I only see you and love you as you are and am so excited to be with you as you grow in your likeness to our Father.
I love you, Barbara...I love you! And I soooo deeply desire your growth and transformation. This is our journey together. You're not alone. Hold my hand. Be in me. Let me wrap myself around you and be in you. Don't try to change yourself. You are precious to me, and I know you inside and out. I see the reality and fullness of what you are and I still love and hold you. So when you see something in yourself that is frightening and sinful...don't turn to resistance and rejection...but to prayer, supplication, thanksgiving, humility.
This is your life. Accept it. Receive it. And rest in me. Together we'll see your heart come to glorious union with our Father.

Holding in tension...

Ronald Rolheiser, in The Holy Longing, talks about biblical pondering. It's not, he says, the same as study or sitting down to theologizer about a person or situation. It is to hold in tension. To rest in pain, knowing that the Lord is my Shepherd regardless. It is to resist the temptation to seek a premature solution to that tension. It is to allow patience to have its perfect work...in physical pain, broken relationships, unpleasent circumstances, singleness, etc. It is to rest in the assurance of his Presence - which keeps me from fear....which, in turn, keeps me from anger depression, addiction.
Now...keeping that in mind, as I've been reading Matthew Sanford's memoir and tapping into other resources for yoga and similar practices, I keep hearing talk of "putting boudaries on your pain." Putting boundaries on my pain?? What does this mean?

As Mom and I walk up Escalante or La Canada (two streets with painfully steep hills that we alternately inflict on ourselves), the burning in my legs travels up my back and into my back, neck, and arms. If I were to create a physical picture of this pain, this tension, it would be radiating outward from my body. My mind becomes consumed with the desire to reach the tops of the hill - or to stop and turn around! To escape the discomfort. It is difficult to view the Lord as my Shepherd and the world around me as ultimately safe...because I am projecting my pain into the world around me. The air around my head smolders with it.
If, on the other hand, I put boudaries on my pain....it is contained. I view my body as a solid, non-permiable container for that pain. The pain, the tension, is contained rather than being allowed to seep into my environment. It becomes easier to know that he is my Shepherd and that I am ultimately safe. And if I am ultimately safe, there is no need to act out my fear (striking out in anger, depression, addiction). I live in that tension. I hold it. I refuse to seek premature escape or relief. So it comes, full circle, back to Rolheiser.
This is true not only of physical pain, but of psychological, relational, circumstantial pain as well. Any kind of element that is contrary to what we assume to be good, right, or ideal.

Now...also think about a child, afraid or in some degree of pain, going to her Daddy to be held. The child is seeking to have boudaries to her pain. Her Daddy is there, arms around her. The pain is contained and Daddy loves her...the world is ultimately safe. So God is/does for us.

I complete Christ?!

Further thoughts on the Incarnation....

Mom and I are (working on) memorizing the first chapter of Colossians. We were going over the verses on our walk yesterday morning (or was it the day before?), up to verse 23. Then we read ahead to get an idea of where we'd be going next.....and discovered this:

" I am now rejoicing in my suffereings for your sake, and in my flesh I am completing what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church. (v. 24)

Completing what is lacking in Christ's afflictions????????? This is saying, in other words, that Christ's suffering on the cross is incomplete...and we have what it takes to complete it?
And in John 15.....there's a vine and a branch. Apart from the vine, the branch dies - but can a vine bear much fruit without the branch?

If I weren't reading it directing out of my Bible, I might call this heresy! But I am...and it's not.

I (can) complete Christ...the Incarnation. God - almighty creator and ruler of the universe, omnipotent, omnipresent (and all the other "omni's"!) - needs me. Not because he is weak, incompetent, or otherwise incapable...but because this is how he chooses to love me. By involving me in this mystery of the Incarnation - even making me indispensable to the "project"!

Can this be true.....or am I having delusions of grandeur?

Christians or Theists?

The mystery, the reality of the incarnation is what defines us as Christians. Bring Christ to the world around us, seeing Christ in all things....this is what we are to be about. If its not about this, we are only theists, believing in a God who is aloof and "out there." A Christian life is an incarnational life. Richard Rohr says that either we see Christ in all things....or we see him in nothing.